|Hayden has pointed out, because of The Dark Underworld, that the Jedi Council may have been disbanded or destroyed. He has suggested that our group could potentially have to take the Council’s place. He has made it clear that he thinks we should, in fact, take over as Council if given the opportunity. I find this train of thought disturbing—how could I think, how could anyone think, that I would be suited to Council. Hayden knows better. I know better. Therefore I could not let this line of thinking continue—if I positioned myself within the Red Dragons in a capacity where I had rank, where I had importance, he would not be able to send me away as easily. I stood up and fought Hayden’s second in command, Caleb, in open combat. I succeeded. Let us see if he can send me away now. He is right, the Jedi need reformation—and I can help them, but I will do so as a Mandalorian not as a Knight.|
On our way back to Coruscant to free the Jedi I asked Hayden to assist with my force crystals—letting him look them over to see if they were flawed. I felt like I should be helping in some manner while he was doing that. Even after years with the Jedi I am unused to people helping for the sake of helping. He is always very busy and took time from his schedule to aid me; therefore, I made dinner while he worked—a fair trade I thought.
I’m unsure if he misunderstood my reasoning behind making the food…he began asking questions about Mandalorian conduct and adoption. Was he testing me? Regardless, I do not feel like deceit will ever be the right answer with Hayden so I responded truthfully. I didn’t realize what he was implying until he asked specifically if I was open to adoption with someone. I do not consider myself capable of handling something like that alone; however, I was raised to be unyielding support. Unbreakable. I am good at that role and told him as such. I assumed that would be the end of the discussion. How could he be interested in someone with my background? Why would he be interested in someone with my background?
Nevertheless, he has made it clear he is and attempted to spend more time with me. He has also tried to carefully pursue a measure of physical intimacy—I can only assume he believes I was “damaged” from my time with the Sith. Perhaps I was, but not in the manner that he thinks. I find that while I am mostly immune to mental upheaval, whether from stress, anger or other influencing factors—I am also almost entirely incapable of expressing emotion or even feeling it to any significant degree. So, I have concluded those must be precisely the reasons why Hayden is interested in me. He needs someone who is capable of defending the Red Dragons—and I have now proven myself as his second; however, he also needs someone who does not have the capacity to be hurt by lack of attention due to his time demanding position as leader of the Red Dragons. His reasons are sound and I can accept them. I also find myself drawn to him—I can accept that as well.